I wasn’t always this strong person. There was a time in my life that I’ve been a pathetic loser who thought that ending my life was the solution.
Note that at such a young age, I was a perfectionist and I lived in my own rules. I follow it diligently so as not to end up miserable like the mobs.
In a way, it isolated me from the crowd but at the same time propelled me to live a safe and successful life. I was pretty wise for my age, not that I’m bragging, but I do. I have an old soul after all.
I’m very proud of my achievements. Especially on how I can get things done when I put my mind in it. Interest is my catalyst for greatness.
But then, the sand castle that I’ve been slowly building was blown away by a force I didn’t foresee.
It was during my cadetship that I first realized what failure meant. My future and innocence was lost all of a sudden. I felt void. I felt like I was the shell of the person I once was. The twinkle in my eyes faded replaced by hot tears cascading down my cheeks in my tear-stained pillows every night. What’s worst is having a hard time to sleep. For everytime I sleep, the nightmare creeps in. It always make me feel guarded. It sends shivers down my spine telling me to always be on alert.
At this junction, I have told myself that all was lost. That nothing’s worth it. “Is there anything left to enjoy in this life? – Nothing.” “What is my life worth? – Nothing.” “How can this emotional pain end? – Death”. “I guess dying is the only answer.”
I can’t express in great detail how those days felt like torture to me; How I lived like a zombie; How hopeless I was and how tired I was of living.
The aforementioned were the negative things that swarmed in my head five years ago. I’ve almost killed myself whilst staying in the ward. I thought that overdosing in sleeping pills can eventually curtail my Lilliputian life but it didn’t.
…and just when I thought that living wasn’t easy, dying was never easier. I tried, yet I survived. I guess I was a born survivor. For if I can remember way back in 2006, I survived the hit-and-run (being hit by a jeepney in our subdivision), etcetera.
So these cracks in my life, my stumbles made me realize something important. We are born to survive. We can emerge stronger. For everytime we fall apart, we learn & strategize on how to avoid these dilemmas in the future. Dying is never the answer, albeit, a useless attempt for it will create more trouble.
Having emerged stronger, I find myself attracted to people who are just like me. I specifically want a man who wouldn’t give up on himself, his future and relationships. I want a strong man, psychologically and physically. No one wants someone who will suddenly kill themselves, after all, right? That experience that I have had been an eye opener. That your life isn’t yours to take. Think of the consequences that will happen once you gave up on yourself and commit suicide.
I end this by saying: Survive & thrive!