11

Dec2018
There are a lot of things I can't control in my life. One of the biggest area is my relationship. I can't tell you how much it pains me When I was left behind by my partner. The feelings of love, anguish and lost predominates. It's as if I was going insane. I don't know what to do. I have to admit that it was partly my fault he left. Self-blame, loathe. It will never be the same again. I was lonely, I was depressed, erratic. Crying din't offer me any comfort. I just want my Love back to me again. I just want him to love me and be with me. But that's just a wishful thinking. Why would he come back to me if he already vomited me? Shame. Shame. Shame. So I decided to fast for as long as I can. I've read an article that states fasting can help me towards self-healing. Fasting, hopefully will clear my mind from any clouds of doubt. Fasting may help me forgive myself for all the bad decisions I made. Fasting ... Read More
December 11, 2018themonochromereaper

11

Dec2018

Thoughts…

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by themonochromereaper / / Reflections
I feel so pathetic right now to the point that sleep strayed my path. I closed my eyes and tried to relax for four hours Trying my best to clear my mind from all worries. Yet all I think about was HIM. Where has he gone to for ten hours? Where did he disappear to? Who did he meet? What has he been doing? Did he plan on staying the night with another woman? Why did he block my calls? Why did he never respond? Am I nothing to him at all? I guess I mean nothing to him. For he only came back when I told him that I will leave come January or February. If I never mentioned about leaving Qatar for good, he won't ever show his face again to me. What's even worse was knowing he blocked all my access to his accounts. This finally meant that I am nothing to him at all. Because I'm not allowed to know of his personal life. And for all the pain, anguish, loss that ... Read More
December 11, 2018themonochromereaper

10

Dec2018
I finally decided to choose the lesser evil. I decided to proceed with option 1. I will tell my parents some time this month that I will go home. I will finally be able to tell them the truth about how I messed up my life, my love and my future. I can only hope that after revealing the truth to my parents that they will still take me back. Oh Lord give me the courage to tell my parents how fucked up my life has been. I was really afraid that they won't be proud of me after knowing the truth. I have no courage to take my own life. I have no courage to stay in foreign country without the person I love. Since the only reason I came here was because I want to be Richard. But now that he ended our relationship, I have no reason to stay. I have no purpose. Imagine, I have already ... Read More
December 10, 2018themonochromereaper

10

Dec2018

How?

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by themonochromereaper / / Reflections
How to find someone that doesn't want to be found? How to remain sane when the sole person that's become more important than anyone else in your life, left you behind? I don't know what to do anymore. I am stuck in a place where I only know few people who are not even my friends. I am stuck in a place with people who might secretly hate me. Without Richard by my side, I am no one. When he left today, I lost my identity, I lost my purpose. I called him multiple times to no avail. I asked an acquaintance who hated me, to at least tell me if he knows where Richard is. He told me that he has no idea. I detect a faint sarcasm that this guy was actually happy that Richard finally left me. No one is there for me anymore. No Richard. So I am left with few options: (1) To tell my parent's that I am going home and start over. To tell them how ... Read More
December 10, 2018themonochromereaper

10

Dec2018
You don't answer my calls. You don't read my messages. You just left. What will happen to me now? My life has no meaning or purpose anymore. I came here because of you. Because you promised me on my 24th birthday that we will stay together no matter what happens. But where are you now??? Who are you with? Please come home to me
December 10, 2018themonochromereaper

10

Dec2018
Please come back to me Hon. I don't know what to do without you. Please don't go to another woman. Please come back to me. Come back to me please. Please don't leave me behind. Come home to me, please.
December 10, 2018themonochromereaper

10

Dec2018

Gone

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by themonochromereaper / / Reflections
How can I stay in this country If the person that I came for Already left me? I just don't what to do. Heartbroken, tired, and in physical pain,.. Wrecked. I can only write For it is the only thing keeping me Sane. For now. Gone is the music. Gone is the reason. Gone.
December 10, 2018themonochromereaper

10

Dec2018

Alone

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by themonochromereaper / / Reflections
Without looking back You just left me alone. I don't know what to do. I don't know where you are, Or where you are headed. I just know that I'm now all alone. All I know is that you no longer care What happens to me from now on. All I know is that you don't want to see me anymore. All I know is that you don't want me anymore. You just left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. I don't know what's gonna happen next. And even if I called you, Or send you a message... You wouldn't answer. I'm left without options. Even if you do come back, You won't love me anymore. You won't hold me tight. You won't look at me with affection. I don't know where you are Or where you are going. I don't know who you are with. I don't know if you even think about me. I don't know.
December 10, 2018themonochromereaper

13

Nov2018
One of my biggest fears was you leaving me for someone else. But now, I realized that you could leave me anytime you get tired me and this relationship. Since it wasn't in your cards to spend the rest of your life with me to begin with.
November 13, 2018themonochromereaper
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